Brett Favre is a Jackass

So “Butt-Baby” Brett got his way.  He whined his way back into the NFL and into the Green Bay Packers’ training camp.  I call him “Butt-Baby” because that’s what we used to call my little brother when he cried and whined to get his way. 

Ok, let me go ahead and say that I get it.  Brett Farve is one of the best ever to play the position.  He’s a legend and a Hall of Famer, blah, blah, blah.  But he’s still a whiny bitch.  How many times has he cried at the end of the season ”whaa whaa…I’m gonna miss this next year…whaaaa”?  Three times?  Four times?  I’ve lost count.  I just read a question on Yahoo.com “How will you remember Brett Favre?”  As a jackass who didn’t know when his time was up and put the Packers in a horrible position & quite possibly could ruin the career of Aaron Rogers- who could probably be a damn good quarterback.  Think about it.  Let’s say the Packers do what they SHOULD do and stick behind Rogers after giving him the reigns (which they won’t, but y’know, just for argument’s sake)… The FIRST bad series that guy has, the crowd will be ripping him apart- booing & chanting for Brett.  He’ll never have a chance.  And lets face it, even Brett had bad games.  In reality, Aaron will probably never get the chance to play because who’s gonna play a first year starter when you got a nearly 30 year fuckin vet on the sidelines? 

Brett keeps saying in interviews that this is an “unfortunate situation.”  If it’s so unfortunate, why don’t you just act like the man everyone thinks you are and do the right thing?  Damn man, the Packers even offered you a severance pay of $20 million!  Take your money and run!  I love my job, but you know what else I love even more?  Getting paid $20 million to NOT do something and doing whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want to.  You can do a lot of whatever the hell you want to with $20 million.  If you love football that much and want to be a part of it, why don’t you coach?  Or take whatever announcer job you want, what network would turn you down?  Or better yet, get together with some other elderly guys and start a senior league!

I think Brett Favre coming back will separate the Green Bay locker room.  You’re gonna have guys supporting Rogers & others supporting Favre.  If I was a Packers Fan, I’d be pissed.  Brett’s using this team like his personal little hobby.  I think Aaron Rogers should demand to be traded if the Packers do what we all know they will and start Favre.  If they don’t grant him the trade, he could just start crying and whine until he gets his way.  It worked for Brett.

Holy Piss-Your-Pants-Good Movie, Batman!

So I saw “The Dark Knight” over the weekend and that is one SERIOUSLY effed up movie! Holy crap. I wish this would be Ledger’s last movie (he has one more coming out in 2009: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus). This will be by far his defining role, I think…however I never saw Brokeback Mountain…and never will. He pulled some hella dark shit from somewhere… probably demons he’s had inside since doing Brokeback Mountain! Definitely the best villain I’ve ever seen in a movie. Ok, maybe that’s a stretch, but I’d have to think for a while on that one…as far as the best Joker, there’s no doubt. I loves me some Nicholson, but damn. You have to see this movie! It lived up to it’s hype and beyond.  It broke Spider-Man 3’s opening weekend record of $151.1 million with a total of $155.34 million (but, keep in mind that ticket prices are higher now so thet may be pretty even).  I don’t really think it’s one for the kiddies, though.  There’s some pretty demented shit going on there.  Which is weird, ’cause there’s Batman shit all over kid’s cereals & stuff.

SPOILER ALERT!!  If you haven’t seen the movie, I wouldn’t read any further.

I have no complaints with the movie, I wouldn’t change a thing…except maybe have a few nude scenes with the chicks that got out of the helicopter with Bruce @ the Harvey Dent fundraiser.  But what I’m trippin’ on…How the fuck is Batman gonna tell Gordon to tell everybody that he killed those people instead of Harvey (2-face), but he left the Joker alive??  Now in movie rules, I get it- the Joker has to be there for future movies (who the fuck’s gonna play the Joker & do him any justice after Heath is beyond me).  BUT…if Batman wants to take the rap for killing innocent people, why didn’t he just go ahead and kill the Joker?  He had plenty of opportunity AND plenty of reason.  It’s not like people would have gotten more pissed if he killed the innocent people AND the Joker…if anything it maight take the sting out a little bit.  “That sorry bastard Batman killed 5 innocent people!  But, he did kill that hospital-bombing, city official-killing, Gotham-threatening, bank-robbing, crazy fuck the Joker…so I guess it’s aiight!”

Also, 2-Face (Harvey Dent after getting half his face burnt off) had no skin on half his face, which means no cheek.  You saw his teeth & shit, yet he talked normal.  Don’t you think that if all of a sudden you lose a cheek you’ll talk weird?  Maybe with some weird variation of a lisp?  You’d also have a contant flow of saliva oozing from the side of your face.  2-Face had none of that going on.  As a matter of fact, his wound was considerably under control for having no skin grafts or anything.  It’s a minor detail, but I figured I’d mention it.

Bang George Clooney, There’s a Future In It!

So it’s pretty much old news now that George Clooney dumped his Las Vegas COCKtail waitress girlfriend, Sarah Larson.  Word is, he dumped her because she got a boob job.  Really, George?  Have you SEEN a good pair of fake boobs??  Sorry, I happen to be a fan of the saline boobage.  Whatever. He’s George Clooney, I guess the ‘tang was getting old anyway.  He’s since moved on…

…and so has Sarah…to a career!  Yep, porking George Clooney has landed her a career in modeling and possibly acting.  Sarah will be modeling Christian Audigier’s new line of couture dresses.  Not bad for having absolutely NO modeling experience whatsoever.  At least none that I know of.  If she had any modeling experience, she apparently wasn’t any good at it as she was a fucking cocktail waitress!  Besides, she looked like this…

 …not exactly model material.  But, she bangs Clooney for a while and gets the career.  As Chris Rock said, “You know you’re famous when you can make someone else famous for sucking your dick!”  What I wanna know is, do you put this on your resume?  “You see right here, I was a cocktail waitress 2005-2007, then 2007-2008 I kept George Clooney’s penis warm”…then the potential employer would say “well I think that says it all, Sarah.  You’ve obviously got all the qualifications, you’re the perfect woman for the job!”  But of course it could all backfire on you…you could get that dreaded post-interview call…”Yea, Sarah…Your resume was great, you had the George Clooney experience on there & all, but in the end we decided to go with another candidate…Yea, she was just more qualified…How?  Oh, well she had oral sex experience with a former president of the Uninted States…yea…better luck next time!  Hey, we hear Paul McCartney’s available!”

KF

Miley Cyrus: Daddy’s Little Exhibitionist

Billy-Ray Cyrus is beating a dead horse… he recently brought up the Vanity Fair pictures

(June issue) of his daughter, Miley Cyrus saying  “I was surprised when I saw it, you know, but … stuff happens. That’s life. Things happen and sometimes things get a little out of control and you just gotta deal with life,” he said. “Again, it’s peaks and valleys and ups and downs.”

Dude, that’s NO way to talk about your topless daughter!

And weren’t you THERE?  Weren’t you IN one of the pictures??  How could you be surprised?  Ok, let’s say for argument’s sake that you took off after your pic was taken… y’know, the one where your scantily-clad 15 year old daughter is all up in your crotch.

 

Wouldn’t you have seen the pictures before they were published?  Isn’t that your job?  If not as her manager, but as her FATHER?  What, are you too busy with your career to be bothered by it?  Newsflash- SHE IS YOUR CAREER!  You are an actor on HER show.  If it wasn’t for Miley, what would you be doing?  Singin’ “Achey Breaky Heart” at the VFW in some podunk town in south Alabama!

 

 KF

Eddie Vedder’s Vagina Killed Kurt Cobain

Another blog creation from Kris Fisher…

There’s a common practice with some bands that needs to be addressed.  The “new sound.”  Let me tell you what I’m talking about.  A band makes an album.  The album is successful.  The band makes a new album…but this time they were listening to fucking Tori Amos the whole time so now they sound like a horomonal hippie-chick trying to “crucify” a “cornflake girl.”  Ok, so I don’t know a band that has listened to Tori Amos while recording a follow-up.  However I do know bands that have tried to model a “new sound” after bands like The Beatles (Panic! At The Disco) & Coldplay (Revis).  Revis was a great fucking band.  Then they tried to go after this douche-bag Coldplay like sound, that album sucked.  It never got released, they were dropped from their label and soon after split up.  Panic! At The Disco’s new album (Pretty. Odd.) is Pretty. Shitty.

Bands don’t always need to be influenced by another band to suck.  Look at Linkin Park- 3 really great, successful albums…then they changed the formula, took Mike Shinoda out of the songs & now they sound like any other random band.  Limp Bizkit- Fred Durst stopped rapping in the songs.  Yea, ok I’ll give you the fact that Fred Durst wasn’t the best rapper, but dammit I liked Limp Bizkit.  I’m not afraid to admit it.  I liked other “nu-rock” bands too!  But apparently there’s no market for them anymore…but that’s a different blog altogether.  Then there’s Pearl Jam, perhaps the biggest disappointment of all.  Eddie Vedder emerged as a rock god in the early nineties…then he somehow grew a vagina.  Pearl Jam hasn’t been good since “VS.”  and that was 1993!   “Vitalogy” was probably the reason Kurt Cobain blew his brains out!  Maybe we should be glad Kurt did what he did.  If he was still alive maybe Nirvana would sound something like “Puddle Of a Nickel Creed Doors Down.” 

The bottom line is- If you want to have life-changing albums…you wanna do what the beatles did…then do it HOW they did it…the old-fashioned way- LSD!  Think about it, all the best albums are the ones that the band was too fucked up to remember making.  And when you have a successful album stick with your sound.  Where would we be today if our founding fathers said “Wow, this democracy thing is really working out! …Hey, let’s try communism for a while!”

 

KF

 

Serena Williams is Hot…For a Guy

Another Bloggity Blog to the Blog from Kris Fisher…

Ok so there’s a problem we have in our society.  It’s a common misconception that I’ll have to admit, I have been guilty of on occasion.  It’s the idea that money &/ or success = hottness.  I was recently reminded of the fact that people seem to think Serena Williams is hot.  She’s almost a constant fixture on “100 Hottest” lists.  She is in fact NOT hot…go ahead, it’s ok to admit it.  It’s actually kind of liberating.  Say it out loud to yourself…”Serena Williams looks like a man.” 

Yea, she plays great tennis, but that’s probably why…’cause she’s packin’ a set & I’m not referring to her milk-cannons!  And don’t get me started on Venus!  However, while we’re on the “hot girls that really aren’t” subject let me go ahead and let you know who else it’s ok to stop pretending is hot…

Renee Zellweger-  Constantly looks like she’s making that face you make when you take a sip of orange juice right after brushing your teeth.

Jennifer Love Hewitt- We’ve all been too busy staring at her boobs to see how ugly her face is.

Kirsten Dunst- Just fucking ugly.  Thanks for completely ruining all my childhood fantasies about Mary Jane Watson.

P!nk- Might be alright if she grew her hair out, but right now just looks and acts like a hardcore lesbian…except uglier.

Kate Hudson- Yea, I said it…actually if she got some fake boobs, she might be aiight.

Mariah Carey- Has a “but-her face” when she’s not fat…which isn’t often.

Cameron Diaz- Ok, you got a great big ol’ smile- yippie.  Justin saw you without make up and we all saw how that turned out.

Gweneth Paltrow- Looks like the girl at the end of the night you talk to because you’re drunk, horny and couldn’t hook up.

Britney Spears- She stopped being hot the minute she let K-Fed give her sperm poisoning, but for some reason she’s still on “100 Hottest” lists.  It’s ok…let go of the past.  There shouldn’t be points for how hot you USED to be.

I could go on & maybe I will at a later date. But feel free to comment with others that people say are hot that arent!

 

KF

 

Save Some Gas, Get Some Ass!

Another bloggy-blog by Kris Fisher

 

 

According to a study conducted by GM:

 

 

·                                 Nearly 9 in 10 women (88 percent) say they’d rather chat up someone who owns the latest fuel-efficient car versus the latest sports car.

 

 

Of course they do…because the latest fuel efficient car costs more than the damn sports car!  Women figured out a long time ago that “Hybrid” = $$.  You really think women would give a shit if a guy was trying to save the environment?  I knew a guy in college who rode his bike every day, you can’t really get more fuel-efficient than that!  He rode it to school AND to his job at Wendy’s.  I don’t really recall the throngs of women that were dying to ride his Huffy.  The last time my girlfriend gave a rat’s ass about the environment was when she bought her endangered seal skin shoes at the “Arbor Day Sale” at Phipps Plaza in Atlanta.  I think women get excited about the guy with the fuel-efficient car because they think he means something else when he said he’s “going green.”  It doesn’t matter what the vehicle is.  If I rode up on a $75,000 fucking skateboard I’d be the hit of the party!  I think the Brothers Madden of Good Charlotte said it best- “Girls don’t like boys, girls like cars & money!”

 

KF

Shania Twain Must Be Bat-Shit Crazy

       

Another bloggy-blog from Kris Fisher…    

 

 So Mutt Lange has left Shania Twain for their former personal assistant.  Yep.  HE left HER.  This is why I say Shania Twain must be bat-shit crazy.  Most guys will agree, we’ll put up with most anything for a hot woman.  Some guys will put up with most anything for a not-so-hot chick, so long as she’s putting out.  Mutt Lange…who looks like this…

 

…left Shania Twain who looks like this…

 

You ready to see the new chick??

 

Yep, he left this…

 

 

…for this…

 

Seriously, Mutt…what’d she do that was so bad?  I mean have you SEEN yourself in a mirror?  You are one god-aweful ugly motherfucker!  Was she poisoning your Coco Puffs?  She put a bomb under your driver’s seat?  Did she boil your dog’s head?  These are all forgivable because you’re the guy that gets to see Shania Twain naked….AND you get to stick your wiener in her!  Hell, I’ve put up with a girl constantly crying over her ex, one had a dog that shit up my apartment real bad & another girl porked my best friend, but it was cool because she was hot & I was next!  Was Shania being stingy with the poon or something?  That would make it a little more understandable.  The bottom line is…hot girls are gonna be crazy.   They’re allowed to be because they’re smokin’ hot.    And you’re ugly.

 

KF

Clay Aiken Gets Something For Nuttin’

Clay Aiken is expecting a child with music producer Jaymes Foster this summer.

The sister of music kingpin David Foster, the baby mama is a Grammy winner who worked with Aiken on several albums, including A Thousand Different Ways and his most recent release, On My Way Here.

A rep for David Foster confirmed what TMZ first reported this morning, that the couple conceived via artificial insemination and their progeny is due in August.

 

… reeeeaaallly.  “Couple.”  Reeeeaaallly.   Ok, ok…let’s pretend for a second that Clay Aiken is straight.  Now why the fuck would a “couple” conceive by artificial insemination??  Were they afraid his wang might screw up the process?  I just don’t get the whole artificial insemination thing anyway.  Not when the people know each other.  What’s wrong with banging?  Why do you need the whole middle process?  Do you REALLY hate sex that much?  If I were to be approached about being a sperm donor, you’d better be ready to receive the penis.  That’s my payment for giving you my spooge.  I mean hey, at least you’re getting laid AND you’re getting knocked up.  Everybody’s a winner!   Look at it this way…would you pull your car up to a gas pump, milk the gas out of the hose into a plastic container, pour the gas from that container into a specially designed container (y’know, one shaped like a gas pump nozzle), freeze it, thaw it out days later, & shove it up your tank to fill up with gas?  Doesn’t make much sense does it?

Kirsten Dunst Needs A Wave-Runner

So Kirsten Dunst has revealed that she received treatment for depression, not drug or alcohol abuse, at Cirque Lodge in Utah last year.
 
Dunst says mental illness doesn’t know any boundaries — Hollywood stars, your non-Hollywood next door neighbor — it hits everyone, “We’re all in the same boat together. Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about.”
 
I’d have to disagree, it may hit ex- Hollywood stars, but not the star of several current hit movies like 2004’s “Wimbledon” in which she made a cool $5 million…not to mention Spider-man 1 through 3 which grossed a total of  $2,596,380,177.  I’m sorry, but you have no right to be depressed.  Owen Wilson, this goes out to you too!  Next time you wanna attempt suicide, sign over your bank account first & I’ll get you in touch with Kevorkian.  If you want these people to overcome depression, just take their money away for 1 full year, make them get a real job & live a real life.  Hell, I’ll even lend them my apartment.  You wanna know what’s depressing?  Taking ice cold showers by candlelight for a month because you can’t afford gas or electricity because you just spent your last $200 on a paternity test for some Mexican skank who says she’s having your baby…a paternity test that she refuses to take, of course.  I know what you’re saying- “money can’t buy you happiness.”  Bullshit. The only people who say that have never been broke before.  Maybe money can’t buy happiness, but money can buy a wave-runner.  Have you ever seen a sad person on a wave-runner?  Think about it.
 
KF